The Improbable Pick Up: A Twilight Zone Story

Content Rating: Mature (adult theme and language). This is a true story. I’ve taken creative liberty with the details.

Image by Michael D Beckwith @ Flickr
Image by Michael D Beckwith @ Flickr

Witness the most daring pickup in a public library or elsewhere. A man, late 50s, bald by circumstances outside his control, heavy set, playing Sudoku. A woman, mid 30s, engrossed in a textbook, two tables over. What is about to happen challenges the male statute on good pick ups. An initiative doomed to fail succeeds on one man’s perception of the size of his balls. Impossible elsewhere. But the unlikely turns likely in, The Twilight Zone (cue intro music).

Our man walks over. He opens with a voice like distant thunder. He asks what the woman is studying for. Small talk ensues. Out of nowhere, he throws the question: are you married? The woman, caught off guard, gushes: yes. The man suggests the woman’s husband would be displeased if they were caught talking. The woman gushes again, inviting the man to sit and talk. The man expresses his woes, word for word, “Too bad you’re married, otherwise we could have had some fun.” At this time, dear reader, your witness is shaking his head: surely, lines have been crossed, decorum broken, subtlety cast aside to the preference of crude repartee. Our woman gushes again, the blush bleeding from her cheeks, suggesting should things turn sour between her and her beloved, there would be room for fun to be had. Before walking back, our man says, “If you still want to have some fun, I’m sitting right there, playing Sudoku.” (I can hear the girls trembling with ecstasy. Mmm, Sudoku. . .)

A man, unattractive by any standard of beauty around the world. A woman, married, possibly with kids. A public library. An unlikely scenario for a pick up for even the suavest of artists. It’s not how good you look, but how big your balls are. This aphorism takes a whole new life in, The Twilight Zone (cue outro music).

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